Archive for June, 2004

Ever have those evenings where you have a good time with some people, but end up at home feeling down. And all your friends are really caring, and they ask if you’re ok, but you just don’t say anything. I’m fine. I honestly don’t feel fine, so why would I not spend the time to talk about it to this close friend of mine who already knows all my other secrets? *

*Most of them, that is.

It’s stupid. And it makes me feel stupid. But you have to learn to deal with it. You have to develop a way to cheer yourself up. To stop rationalizing why people don’t like you. I’m in that mood where I could list off a whole bunch of people who I think only pretend that they are interested in my company. Or people who are just friends with me because they don’t have any better friends of their own. Or… people who pity me because I am younger than them. That’s the worst thing ever… when you have a good friendship with people slightly older than you, and you occasionally get that feeling, “Go away little kid.”

But. It’s all a lie. It’s all darkness imposed upon my brain by the one who’s only plan for me is suicide. I’ve just had a birthday, and my awesome friends did some awesome things for me, and said some awesome things to me. So even if I feel like crap, and feel alone, and feel unwanted, I can reason that it’s just my human weakness listening lies. Cause I know my friends love me. And I know that God loves me. Most of all I know that. But at times he can feel very distant.

But. I know he’s not distant. I’ve heard it said that the longest distance in the world is the space between a man’s heart and his head. I’m feeling that tonight. Visualization:

My heart is a small boy, sitting in a stone walled room. He’s very upset, and doesn’t want to be in the room, but he’s all huddled into himself, and wants to be left alone. Even though he desperately doesn’t want to be left alone.

On the outside of this room is the brain. It is comprised of some 30 engineers and builders, all constructing various devices to try and break into the stone walled room. They have great ideas, great arguments against the room, but as soon as they build a ladder long enough, the small boy with tears in his eyes pushes the ladder back down. He whispers… “I’m sorry.”

The heart cannot be reached, that is, until it truly wants to be. Eventually, when it is dark, the boy sits up cautiously and walks to the door of the stone walled room, which he, with some trepidation, finally opens. As the door swings open, the incoming light reveals to the boy that he is in fact not a boy, but a man. The engineers and builders see the man, and the door in the stone walled room, and finally understand the problem. Then with high powered explosives they destroy the room from the inside out.

End visualization.
I could have pulled your heart strings for a little longer, but that isn’t my intent. Don’t pity me. I had a good evening, and well nigh ended it in a crappy mood. But, that’s all in the past. The boy is now a man is now free. I’m going to bed. Happily, ever, after.